Skip to content

Freaky Friday Movie Reviews: Splice

Freaky Friday Movie Reviews: In which I watch a terrible horror movie you’ve never heard of and tell you what I thought about it.

Poster Credit to IMDB.com

This week’s Freaky Friday pick is actually reader suggested, from someone who saw Splice in theaters and thought it might make for a fun Thursday night for me. To the person who recommended this, thank you so much. I’m sending you a gift to show how grateful I am. It definitely won’t be an evil half-human creature that will sting you to death as soon as you open the box. It’ll be something nice, like flowers. Or anthrax.

WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?

Like, on the one hand, I get the whole concept. It’s a pretty interesting idea, to imagine the ethical implications of creating a half-human creature and blurring the line between specimen and child.  It’s creepy! It’s cool! I get it! But where alone the way was it decided that so much sex should be involved? And weird incest? And brain slugs that switch genders? And Sarah Polley? Who made that decision? SHOW YOURSELF!

Let’s just get to it. (I rented this off of Amazon, so I couldn’t rip stills as well as I normally can, but that’s ok, because this movie is garbage.)

Splice begins with two scientist, Elsa (Sarah Polley) and Clive (Adrian Brody). I knew Adrian Brody from a lot of other, better, movies, though he has made some poor choices in the past (Never Forget The Village!). I had never seen anything with Sarah Polley in it before and, God willing, I will never see anything with her again. The scientists have just created a weird creature that looks like a mix between a brain and a slug. Way to go, you two. They name their new friend Fred and put it in with a similar creature, Ginger. A bunch of other scientists all crowd around anxiously and Fred and Ginger wrap their tongues around each other. Elsa explains that the brain slugs are “imprinting,” a word I cannot take seriously since Twilight used it. Aww, the brain slugs are in love! Elsa videotapes the whole thing and everyone smiles and cheers a lot. Stop it.

Now that Fred and Ginger are sexing it up, Elsa and Adrian Brody go meet with the higher-ups to discuss what comes next in their genetic research. Elsa gets right into it: “a human-animal splice hybrid.” Whoa. (She uses a picture of the Petruvian Man in her slideshow on human splicing, just to give you a sense of what nonsense this is). The lady in charge, who has a ridiculous French accent, is like, “We’re not doing that.” Instead they’re just going to comb through the poop of their old creations and find proteins that cure cancer. Suuuuure. That just sounds like science. Adian Brody and Elsa are super mad and decide to go rogue, although I don’t know what they expected. Elsa walked into that meeting wearing a TIE and Adrian Brody is wearing a T-Shirt under a suit coat. Gross.

They go to their secret lab or whatever, and we see that their company is named N.E.R.D. GROOOOOOSS. I hate that a lot. We also find out that these two are lovers, which is great. Always mix your personal and professional relationships; it works out really well for everyone. They start making a human-animal clone, and it looks pretty easy. Adrian Brody asks Elsa what female sample they’re using and Elsa is like, “OH, NOBODY, JUST SOME RANDOM WOMAN, TOTALLY UNKNOWN TO ME, NO CLUE, I BET SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A NAME BECAUSE OF HOW UNKNOWN SHE IS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” At first the computer tells them that their human-animal splice is not successful, which seems crazy cool for a computer. Is there software I can download somewhere? They keep trying and eventually the computer tells them they have a SPLICE! Yay! You’ve successfully blurred the line between science and playing God! Adrian Brody is like, “Time to destroy this Splice,” and Elsa is like, “Run away with the incubator down the hall and hide in a locked room.” While Adrian Brody bangs on the door and shouts threateningly at her, Elsa puts the Splice fetus into a fake gestation chamber or something.  So now there’s no turning back, I guess. This Splice is getting Spliced! After they agree to watch their Splice grow for a while, Elsa and Adrian Brody go back to their apartment. Uh, I think you should probably stay and watch this Splice’s development. Don’t just check back on it in the morning! Instead of making sure their demon baby lives through the night and doesn’t murder anyone, Elsa and Adrian Brody argue about moving into a new apartment, because Adrian Brody wants kids and Elsa does not (OR DOES SHE?). They’re interrupted by a text from the computer (?!) telling them there’s something wrong with the Splice fetus. They run back to the lab and the fetus is thrashing all around and stings Elsa’s hand a bunch, and then Adrian Brody smashes the incubator and it falls on the floor and makes screaming sounds. Also Elsa has a seizure and Adrian Brody is SUPER unconcerned, so I thought maybe she had epilepsy or something, but the seizures are never mentioned again.  Suuure.

They lock the thing in an incubator and go home again (STAY WITH YOUR EVIL SPLICE!) and get in bed. After about two minutes Adrian Brody sits up in bed and goes, “I’m gonna kill it.” Hahahahaha. Sure, Adrian Brody. You kill it. Elsa says they need to keep studying it. Adrian Brody still looks like he wants to kill it, but then, Arian Brody just has a very homicidal face. When they return to the lab, the Splice is already dead and gross, so they make plans to burn it, but then Elsa realizes that what they thought was the Splice was really just a pod housing the real Splice and the Splice has escaped. Again, sure, it just sounds like SCIENCE. While Adrian Brody is in the other room looking for Splice-disposing supplies, Elsa tiptoes around looking for her precious experiment. She hears weird clicking noises coming from the room and then a bunch of stuff falls over and then Elsa finds herself face to face with what looks like a kangaroo with a deformed rabbit head. Scary Splice!

Adrian Brody is immediately like, “We need to kill it,” and Elsa is like, “But it’s so cuuuute and I love it!” Adrian Brody is like “Uhhhhhh” and Elsa is like, “It’s dying already, let’s just watch it die for a few days instead of putting it out of its misery humanely.” Adrian Brody thinks that that’s a great idea. Of course, it’s not easy being first time parents of a Splice. Baby Splice refuses to eat at first, but then Elsa spills tic-tacs and Splice loooves those. So they mix tic-tacs in with corn starch and some other gross stuff and problem solved. (The point here is that Elsa also loves tic-tacs I think. It’ll be important later). Elsa really loves the Splice, especially once she starts playing cognitive games and realizes that the Splice is super smart. Baby Splice seems to love Elsa and hate Adrian Brody, which makes sense because Adrian Brody calls her “the specimen.” Elsa gets really angry  and is like, “Don’t call her that.” She names the Splice Dren BECAUSE IT’S NERD BACKWARDS. No. Unacceptable.  You stupid hipster.

 

While she and Adrian Brody argue, Adrian Brody’s brother, who is also a scientist, sneaks into the room and gets attacked by Dren the Splice. He’s okay, but he is NOT happy with his brother. They sneak Splice out and to another room, but she gets sick, so Adrian Brody tries to drown her in a cold tub. Elsa freaks out screaming, which is weird, because two minutes ago they had to be quiet so no one would hear. It looks like Splice is dead, but then it turns out she has gills and can breathe underwater. This also cures her fever, somehow. Elsa is like, “It’s so amazing how you knew,” and then is like, “You did know, right,” and Adrian Brody is like, “Oh yeah, no, that’s cray, I would never hurt that Splice, love that Splice.” The parents/would-be murderers turn the storage room into a little Splice home and Elsa gives Splice a Barbie doll and calls her sweetie and kisses her goodnight and it’s weird. As Splice sleeps in her little room, Adrian Brody decides to have sex with Elsa right outside where the Splice can totally hear. You guys can probably wait until you go home. You can’t be that turned on by caring for something that looks like a chicken with a squirrel face.

Splice watches them DO IT and Adrian Brody watches her watching them. Gross, all of you. You’re all gross. A few days later Adrian Brody and Elsa present their brain slugs to a bunch of people, but it turns out that Ginger the Female Brain Slug has become Ginger the Male Brain Slug and instead of imprinting with their tongues the brain slugs fight to death with their penises. I’m really sorry, but that is what happens. The brain slugs rip each other to pieces and blood flies on the spectators and everyone is really upset, especially me because WHAT? Not to brag or anything, but I’ve actually studied sequential hermaphroditism protogyny and I can promise you that NO.  The French boss lady shuts down production of their labs, meaning Elsa and Adrian Brody have to sneak Splice out to this little farm where Elsa grew up. It must be a long ride because when they get there Splice is huuuuge!

Splice runs away at first and eats a rabbit, which makes Elsa really mad because Splice is supposed to be a vegetarian. Then Splice doesn’t seem to like living in a barn very much, even though they put a tub filled with disgusting water in there for her and everything. Elsa and Clive clean out their lab by day and hang out with Splice at night, and it’s clear poor Splice is getting lonely. She plays with her Barbie and a bunch of Elsa’s old stuff and then kidnaps a cat that she just hugs for a while even though you totally think she’s going to kill it. Sure.

Later Splice is mean to Elsa at dinner, since she just wants to eat little rabbits and live in the woods. So on top of baby-hungry hillbillies and unborn fetuses, we have to worry about running into adult Splices out there. STAY OUT OF THE WOODS! Slice bursts through the ceiling and tries to run along the roof, but then she grows wings spontaneously (what the heck animal is part of her genetic makeup?), and almost flies away. Adrian Brody calms her down by being like, “Don’t go, darling Splice, we love you!” Please. Five minutes ago he was plotting to kill her.  I guess Splice growing wings is like getting her period, kind of, because in the next scene Elsa has this intense bonding moment over makeup and being a woman now. It’s ruined when Elsa finds the cat  and takes it away, which makes poor Splice sad.

Adrian Brody comes to visit and dances with Splice, at which point he realizes somehow that Splice is Elsa’s biological daughter. It wasn’t Jane Doe’s egg after all! He yells at Elsa for a little bit before storming out dramatically. Elsa decides to embrace her role as Splice’s mommy and decides to give Splice that cat back. While she’s talking Elsa tells Splice “I’m inside you” which will be important (and horrifying) later. Splice must be as grossed out by a grown woman saying “I’m inside you” as I am, because she kills the cat immediately. Elsa slaps her. Splice tackles Elsa and almost stabs her with her dagger tail and then almost escapes, but Elsa manages to knock her out.

When Splice comes to, she’s tied to a table and Elsa is calling her “the specimen” again. Elsa takes off all her clothes and removes her necklace and I hate everything about this scene so much. Elsa finally cuts off her stinger, which isn’t as bad as I thought, and Adrian Brody walks in right as she’s finishing up. He gets mad at her again, but Elsa just storms off with the stinger, since it might have cancer-curing proteins (right). Elsa gives the stinger to some asshole scientist, but she probably should have just stayed with Splice because guess what happens next. Can you guess? Before I tell you please make sure there are no children in the room and that they can never use a DVD player and maybe just burn your television to make sure they never accidently see this: Adrian Brody has sex with the Splice.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

When she first comes on to him, he’s like, “No, we can’t,” but then almost immediately he’s like, “Oh yes, we can.” In the middle of their horrible sex scene Splice unfolds her winds, which is I guess what a Splice-O is. Pro-tip: If the woman you have doing the nasty with suddenly sprouts wings, GET OUT OF THERE AND GO TO A HOSPITAL AT ONCE. Elsa walks in and is (understandably!) horrified, but she just drives away. I would have burned that whole barn down. Adrian Brody follows her back to the apartment and, when she yells at him, is just like, “We changed the rules.” Okay, you may have changed the rules about genetic manipulation, but that has NO EFFECT on the rules about sleeping with your girlfriend’s biological daughter who is not fully human. Still kind of wrong. Especially when you think about how Splice is, like, a month old. Adrian Brody tells Elsa that she made Splice because she never wanted a normal baby. Huh? Is that a thing, LADIES? You don’t want a human baby but a sociopathic half-animal creation that likes to kill cats with its stinger? Elsa is sad. Adrian Brody decides that they need to KILL SPLICE. After you JUST banged her, you massive creep? Hello?  You nightmares? Good God with this movie. They go to murder their biological child/sex partner, but it turns out she’s already dead.

They bury Splice and burn all her stuff just like all parents normally do when their kid dies, but before they can leave, the brother and that jerk scientist show up. The scientist is like, “These proteins are from a living specimen, so clearly you have created a half-animal hybrid and are hiding it at this farmhouse we were magically able to find.” Adrian Brody’s brother is like, “Sorry, man.” Suddenly, before they can go show the scientists Splice’s body, we see that Splice has magically come back to life, but now she’s a boy, just like the brain slugs.  She murders the scientists and then (get the children out of the room again!) RAPES ELSA WITH HER TAIL WHICH IS NOW A PENIS. As she’s doing it she has her only line of dialogue: “Inside you.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY IS THIS HAPPENING MAKE IT STOP. Splice murders Adrian Brody (good!) and Elsa murders Splice.

In the last scene, we find out that Elsa is pregnant with I guess a new Baby Splice. Have fun with that, you weirdo. Also, that French lady is her mother? That is what we call a stupid plot twist. Whatever. The end.

Soooooooooooooo.

Who on earth likes this movie?

I don’t really know what to say, because what is there to say, really? That much like a half-human half-animal Splice, this movie should never have been made? (Boom. Nailed it.) I will say that I’m impressed by how few Spice Girls jokes I made in this post. I really showed restraint there.

Credit to the amazing Patrick M for this one.

I will actually rank this last in our Freaky Friday movies thus far, but if you’re having a movie night and you want all your friends to hate you, you really can’t go wrong with forest Splice rape. Just fun times for everyone.

I give this movie one Splice dagger tail out of 5,000,000.

Advertisements

Why are Horror Video Game Trailers So Good?

Fact about me: I do not enjoy playing video games. If I’m going to waste time, it’s going to be re-watching old Community episodes on Hulu or Googling the lyrics to obscure Broadway songs. I understand the appeal, but I also kind of don’t? When people try to explain their favorite games to me I nod along, but my eyes glaze over after about twenty seconds and by the time I come back to the conversation I’ve forgotten what’s going on. “Wait, you shot HOW many prostitutes last night?”

That being said, one thing I CAN get behind is the trailers made for horror video games. Wow! Those things are great! Who is making these trailers and why aren’t they making ALL the trailers for everything? There are a lot of really bad horror movie trailers out there, and a lot are for movies that are actually pretty great. Such wasted potential! Do horror video games even NEED such good trailers? How hard is it to convince their target market to buy? “I get to explode people with a flick of my controller! Where do I sign up?”

Here’s the trailer for F.E.A.R. 3.

WHHHHHHHHAAAAAT?

(I will never not love that James Franco clip.)

How good is that voiceover? (Sooo good.) I don’t not know what F.E.A.R.s 1-2 were about, but I would actually play this game…if someone gave it to me for free and I could figure out how to set it up. Actually, probably not even then. I don’t like videogames. But if this was a movie, I would see the CRAP out of it.

Here’s the trailer for last year’s Dead Island, played normally and then backwards, so it’s in correct chronological order.

Jeez. I probably should have warned you that that trailer would make your heart fall out. The music! Waiter, a round of Grammy awards for the person who wrote that music, please. And uncanny valley or no, I think I might be in love with the dad. HELLO SAILOR! I was actually sort of intrigued by Dead Island last year and considered trying it, until I found out how expensive it was. But I still wonder if it’s as good as the trailer suggests. Has anyone out there played it? Is it good? I know that there’s an Easter Egg where you can see the bodies of the couple from the trailer, but is the little girl in the game? I want to know, but I don’t want to actually play the game.

Five Horror Trailers That Were Better Than the Movie

Ah, movie trailers. My favorite part of any cinema experience.  Let’s be honest, very few movies can live up to the trailer. It’s just a fact! Two minutes of the best footage edited together with a bombastic song and dramatic one-liners always manages to be better than a two-hour long movie. Maybe all movies should be less than five minutes! (I just came up with that idea. I am an incredible filmmaker.) It’s very difficult to make a good horror trailer, more so than any other type of genre, because you can’t show any kills, there can’t be any gore, swearing has to be cut out, and the twist ending (if there is one) can only be very loosely hinted at. Some movies have been completely sunk because of their trailers (last year’s Dream House), and others have managed to soar despite lackluster trailers that promised little action (the recent Sinister comes to mind). However, the real offenders are the great trailers representing very poor actual movies. Here are the five worst offenders.

The Strangers

The Strangers certainly isn’t the worst move ever made, but it’s also not nearly as good as the trailer promises. The repeating music in the last half? So good. Give me a break. And the moment where Liv Tyler stands alone in the room and the killer appears silently behind her is so much better in the trailer than in the movie. My sister and I bought this movie after repeatedly viewing the trailer online, and it was such a disappointment at the time.

9

Holy cow, this is a great trailer. Especially the music. That music! If they gave Oscars for Best Trailer Music, this thing would definitely win. I bought the movie based on how good the trailer was, and it was a mistake. I came across this trailer again the other day and remembered how excited I was to watch 9, only to be faced with a cartoonish mess that had nothing interesting to say about humanity, destruction, souls, or heroism. But…that music!

Watchmen

Watchmen is technically a superhero movie, but there’s a giant blue guy who can explode people with a flick of his fingers, so I’m calling it on the horror side. This trailer is phenomenal. 1:19?! ALL OF THE CHILLS. And it’s ridiculous how amazing Rorschach saying, “The world will look up and shout ‘Save us.’ And I’ll whisper…no” is. Whoever made this trailer deserves a  special award…the award being their name taken off this movie. What a terrible movie! I tried SO HARD to like it, but I gave up when Laurie compared getting’ busy with her blue monster boyfriend to “sucking on a battery.” Nope. Shut it down. But keep the trailer.

Lake Mungo

Just watching this trailer made me want to watch Lake Mungo again, even though I know now that Lake Mungo is not as good as I wanted it to be. Now, it isn’t terrible- there is one moment that is legitimately terrifying. (One moment out of the whole movie.) Maybe it’s just that the ending left me feeling so sad and unsettled and depressed, but I couldn’t get into it. But the trailer really sells the mockumentary format, and there’s a great air of mystery about it that essentially disappears once you start the movie. Oh, Lake Mungo! I still have unfounded hopes for you!

The Descent

I will talk more about The Descent at a later time, but I’ll just say now that if The Descent had just been about the ladies trapped in a cave trying to get out, I would have loved it. That was the best part, hands down, and it’s the part that gets the most exposure in the trailer. That whole scene with Sarah trapped, which is practically shown in its entirety in the trailer, is so wonderful. The best creature moment, when the camera catches it for the first time, is also shown, and is even scarier in the trailer than it is in the movie, since you’re not expecting it. Like I said, we’ll discuss The Descent at length another day…but for now let’s just enjoy this great trailer.

Freaky Friday Movie Reviews: The Unborn

Freaky Friday Movie Reviews: In which I watch a terrible horror movie you’ve never heard of before and tell you what I thought about it.

The Unborn is such a promising name for a horror movie. Abortion? Topical! (Turns out this movie has nothing to do with the evils of abortion, disappointing all the conservative fundamentalists who bought it the day it came out).  The Unborn stars Odette Yustman, of Cloverfield fame, Cam Gigandet, most famous for playing an evil vampire in the first Twilight movie, and Gary Oldman, who apparently doesn’t realize he’s allowed to say no to movies. This guy is in everything! And very rarely is it good! The Unborn is about a young woman who is tormented by her unborn twin brother, because of the Holocaust. It may shock you to learn that The Unborn is not a very good movie. I know, right?! It had so much promise!

The Unborn begins with a young woman named Casey (Yustman) going out for an early morning jog in the middle of winter. Oh good, I hate her already. Who goes for a jog in the dead of January? She stops to catch her breath and finds a blue glove in the middle of the road. She picks it up, which is weird. Do you know how many germs that thing probably has? You might as well pick up roadkill. She turns around and sees a young boy staring at her, but then he turns into what looks like a cat wearing a mask. She is super chill about the whole thing and follows the creature into the woods (Woods again! I don’t know how many times I have to warn people about these woods!), where she finds the mask abandoned in the leaves. She picks it up, which must be a thing with her. Maybe she’s like a homeless person who collects garbage as treasure. Under the mask is a half-formed fetus encased in ice, which opens its spooky blue eyes to stare at her. And THIS is why I don’t go for jogs.

We cut to Casey babysitting and asking her friend Romee (Meagan Good) over the phone what her scary dreams mean. Okay, so the opening scene was just a dream. But I still don’t like you, Casey. It’s rude to have personal phone calls during a babysitting job. Watch those children! Also, what kind of name is Romee? Romee tells Casey her dreams either mean Casey has multiple STDs, which gets my vote, or the dead is trying to contact her. Their chat is interrupted when Casey hears creepy voices coming from the baby monitor and goes upstairs, where she finds the young son holding up a mirror to his baby sister’s face. Casey tries to pull him away, which, okay, I guess it is kind of weird to make your little sister look at herself in a mirror, but Casey acts like the kid is trying to strangle the baby or something. The boy slashes at Casey with the mirror and calmly tells her, “Jumby wants to be born now.” Hahahahaha. “JUMBY?” I really like to think about a bunch of Hollywood executives trying to come up with the scariest name possible for this movie and landing on “Jumby.” “Well, we hired a clown for my kid’s birthday named Jumby, and clowns are creepy, so how about Jumby?” “Amazing job, here’s a million dollars and some cocaine.”

When Casey leaves the house she finds that blue glove for her dream and picks it up. Stop doing that! Once home, she thinks she hears something behind her medicine-counter mirror (this movie has more mirror scares that anything I have ever seen before. It really deserves a special award at the Whoops Oscars) but there’s nothing there. OR IS THERE? The next morning she tries to cook an egg, but when she cracks it a gigantic bug falls out. Okay, that is legitimately terrifying. If that happened to me I would probably burn my whole house down to make sure that thing died. We then see Casey at school, so no word on if she actually ate breakfast or not, but my guess is no. She tells her friends, including Romee and her boyfriend Mark, about what happened while she was babysitting, and Romee grimly tells her that there’s an old superstition that says if a baby looks at its reflection before it turns one, it dies. What? That’s not a real thing. You can’t just make up superstitions and try to scare me with them, moviemakers. Mark calls her retarded in a way that seems aggressively mean. Are we really supposed to like this guy? Casey sure seems to like him, and they sit together in her lecture class, but during the class Casey starts feeling woozy (because she SKIPPED BREAKFAST!) and sees “Jumby wants to be born now” written on the board. Haha, still laughing at “Jumby.” She runs away.

Later, Casey and Romee are hanging out in the locker room, just dressed in towels. Ladies be chillin! Romee looks deep into Casey’s eyes and tells her that there’s something wrong. Apparently, one of Casey’s eyes are changing color. The idea that she would notice in the first place is very funny to me. “We have been friends for how long, Casey? And every day I have studied your face, and never once have I seen any blue in your left eye.” She notices from, like, halfway across the room too. I MIGHT notice if my one of my friends had a bloody red eye, but I honestly don’t even know what my own eye color is exactly. Casey goes to the doctor (hypochondriac) with Mark, which is also very funny. Who takes their boyfriend to the eye doctor? The doctor props Casey’s eye open with metal clamps, and my sister runs out of the room in terror, but nothing actually happens . According to the doctor, Casey has either suffered a trauma, or she has a tumor. I am pretty sure the writer is just making stuff up again, but then again, I am not a professional eye doctor, so what do I know. Casey and Mark go home and DO IT and talk about the universe and death, just like everyone does when gettin’ sexy. Casey talks about her mother, who went insane after finding out when she was adopted and killed herself. YOU KNOW, PILLOW TALK. What on EARTH?

After having all the sex, Casey goes to the bathroom and creepy boy from the beginning jumps out of the mirror at her. Mark runs in but nothing’s there. The next morning Casey takes the mirrors off her medicine cabinets, which is very smart. That’ll keep the demons away! After all her carpentry work, Casey goes for a jog again. You go girl, gotta keep that figure. When she passes the house she babysat at, an ambulance and a bunch of people are all crowded around. This is always a thing in movies, where people stand in a crowd at the scene of a tragedy, and I don’t think that’s really how it goes. Paramedics carry out a body bag because that baby has died. Got it. Babies looking in mirrors causes SIDS, or whatever. Casey just jogs away, which is such a strange thing to do when the child you babysit dies tragically. We then cut to Casey at the doctor, who tells her she does not appear to have any tumors, but then ask if she has a twin. Huh? How can you tell that from eye scans? He asks if she’s familiar with the term genetic mosaicism. Casey isn’t, for some weird reason. I feel like I can’t get through the day without talking about genetic mosaicism with my friends. “I know we’re probably bored with this topic, but come on guys, how cool is genetic mosaicism?” He tells her that her eyes are changing color because she had a twin she doesn’t know about and they exchanged blood and DNA in utero. What? Assuming that seems like a scientific leap. He tells her to see a genetic counselor, which I do not think is a real profession, and sends her on her way.

Casey asks her father if she’s a twin, and he tells her she had a twin brother who died in utero from a “freak thing,” where Casey’s umbilical cord got twisted around his throat.  Her dead twin brother’s nickname was…Jumby. (Great nickname!). Casey goes home and looks through boxes in her attic, where she finds a bunch of articles about a woman named Sofi Kozma. Casey tracks her down, somehow. We don’t get to see her sleuthing work, but Sofi is currently living in a nursing home. Casey drags Romee with her and Romee is super rude about an old guy in a wheelchair who had a stroke. Romee is definitely a b-word, but I probably wouldn’t be thrilled if my best friend dragged me to a nursing home because she’s having psychological issues relating to her unborn twin brother either. After dragging Mark to the eye doctor and Sofi to an assisted living facility, Casey really needs to learn how friendship works.

Finally Casey finds Sofi and they start chatting, although the first thing Casey does is ask why there’s a bare spot on one of the walls. Weirdo. Who notices that sort of thing? The bare spot is a mirror Sofi insisted be taken down. Sofi manages to out-weird her by asking if Casey has a twin. When Casey asks how she knew, Sofi says she used to have a twin, and she can sense it in other people. Casey acts like that’s a completely normal thing to say, although it is not. Casey shows Sofi a picture of her mom with a reflection of the evil Jumby in a mirror and Sofi freaks out and screams at her to leave. Casey and Romee have this weird super dramatic fight where they both start crying. Watch your emotions, ladies.  At one point, Casey says to Romee “Do you believe in ghosts?” and Romee responds gravely, “You know I do.” Hahahaha. “As besties, we love to talk about our eye colors and our paranormal beliefs.” There’s another annoying smash cut and we see our lovebirds plus Romee at a club in the city. Casey goes into the bathroom to wash her face, which is not really a thing people do (she’s washing off all her makeup! And club water is gross!) and the gets sick and throws up (don’t do drugs!). As if getting sick in a public bathroom isn’t enough, Casey hears whispering and then the bathroom exploes with dirty sewer water and bugs. It’s really gross. But when Mark and Romee come in, there’s nothing there and Casey is just acting like a psycho.

Casey goes home and has a nightmare. Then Sofi calls her saying they need to talk. Maybe you should have thought about that before you acted like a nutjob, Sofi. Sofi tells Casey that she knew Casey’s mother, and Casey immediately knows Sofi is her grandmother. Man, people really make incredible leaps of logic in this movie! Casey runs right on over to the nursing home for a family reunion. Sofi tells her the reflection of the evil boy is Sofi’s twin brother, who dies when she was young. It turns out Sofi and her brother was in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. So everything is happening because her grandmother and her twin brother were part of gruesome medical experiments during the Holocaust. Oh, Holocaust experiments! Neat. I was worried this movie wasn’t going to have any of that, but it does, in the nick of time.  The doctors tried to give Sofi’s brother blue eyes (because that’s just important science) and he dies, but then two days later he comes back to life, but evil. Somehow. It’s not important, apparently. Sofi asks if Casey has ever heard of a dybbuk. Casey must have skipped class the day they talked about genetic mosaicism and dybbuks, because she has not. A dybbuk is an evil spirit pretty much, and this one possessed the dead brother to come back to life Wow, I’m convinced. The Holocaust was an inside job by the devil, or whatever. Anyway, Sofi killed this one, and now it wants revenge on the whole family and a way to ome back to life.  Sofi also says that mirrors are “doorways” to the other world, which no, they are not. Casey has to find the book of mirrors, and then find a rabbi, and then collect the seven magic crystals and cross the lake of the forbidden forest and save the princess and slay the dragon and exorcize the demon. Sure. Casey finds the book of mirrors in two seconds, so that was easy, and flips through with a look of intense shock at each page. Haha. Sure, Casey.

Casey then finds the rabbi (Gary Oldman) and tells him she needs an exorcism. He refuses, because Casey doesn’t believe in God, which he knows somehow, and Casey starts crying. He sort of relents but makes no promises and then Casey goes home and comically smashes all her mirrors, burning all the pieces when she’s done. Haha. Calm down. Sadly, she doesn’t warn Romee about the evil dybbuk, and while Romee is out driving she runs into (literally) the kid from the beginning who killed his little sister while possessed.  He tells Romee if Romee keeps helping Casey “he” will kill her. Keep helping? How? All Romee has done is complain about how old people smell bad. Romee drives away and goes to Casey, who tells her to stay away. But Romee refuses, because that’s not what friends do. “Friends don’t let friends face demons alone,” that’s the Romee promise. Meanwhile, back at the nursing home, this happens.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. OH MAN. I can’t even caption that, because it is already perfect. Let’s look at it again.

YEEEEEEEEEPPP. That’s in this movie. So perfect. AND SCENE. So Sofi gets killed.

The next day Casey comes to the nursing home and cries because this person she had such a deep connection to is dead now. (I sweat Casey cries in every scene. It’s strange, because Odette Yustman is terrible at it, but you’d think she was Meryl Streep based on how many crying scenes she gets.) Romee, along for the ride as always, cries too. A nurse gives Casey a letter from Sofi that basically just says the dybbuk wants to kill everyone. Thanks, Gramma! Great final words! Rabbi Gary Oldman, reading through the Book of Mirrors, gets attacked by a goat-dog with an upside-down head, but he just yells at it and it goes away. Nifty trick. Back home, Casey and Romee Skype. Someone rings Romee’s doorbell and she leaves (don’t do it, Romee! Odds are it’s Mormons!), but Casey sees the dybbuk’s reflection in Romee’s room. Haha. Oh no! Not Romee! I’m kidding. Kill her! Let’s pick up the pace here! Casey calls Mark and tells him to meet her at Romee’s house “right now!” Hahaha. What? Why don’t you just call Romee? Or run over there now instead of wasting time calling Mark for no reasonWhile they hurry over, Romee opens her door, but for once its not religious peddlers but the little boy who already warned Romee. Well, at least she had adequate warning. Casey and Mark are too late, and Romee gets murdered by that kid. Only now he looks like this.

Casey meets with Rabbi Gary Oldman and a priest, Idris Elba. Idris Elba is in this? What? Does the director have pictures of him naked, or something? Mark comes along now that Casey’s wingman Romee is dead. Priest Idris Elba apparently did his dissertation on exorcisms, which, again, nope. Not a thing. “I’m not looking for a Christian exorcism,” Casey says AGGRESIVELY. Hahaha. Calm down, you weirdo. You do not know the difference between a Christian and a Jewish exorcism. Nobody does. Because that’s not how it works. Unless Priest Elba’s dissertation was titled “Comparing and Contrasting the Methods of Exorcizing Demons In Differentiating Religions in Today’s Culture” (all dissertations have pretentious names like that). Priest Elba promises a nondenominational exorcism, fun for the whole family. They talk about religion and superstition for a while, and it’s all very deep and smart and cool. (I’m kidding. This movie does not say anything interesting. They probably don’t need to start showing this in classrooms.) Priest Elba also checks to make sure they’re old enough to take part in an exorcism (?!) and they all SIGN A RELEASE? Hahahahahahaha. This movie! I have honestly never seen a movie that goes so off the rails! They make plans to hold the exorcism at the mental hospital where Casey’s mother died and send the dybbuk back to Hell, or whatever it is exorcisms do.

Present at the exorcism is Casey, Mark, Idris Elba, Gary Oldman, and ten strangers who are willing to help because they’ve all been through hardship. Huh? This is an exorcism, not an AA meeting. Gary Oldman explains that Jewish exorcism require ten because, “because we have ten fingers, and the Ten Commandments.” Right. I’m convinced. They all start chanting with Casey strapped to a table in the middle of their protective circle. A scary wind starts blowing, and some of the volunteers get killed, and then Priest Idris Elba gets possessed and chases Casey and Mark around the deserted mental hospital for a while, until Mark kills him. Then Mark gets possessed by the dybbuk, and Casey  with Gary Oldman finish the exorcism and kill him. It’s honestly an exhausting and very loud scene. Really, it’s just extremely unenjoyable! And normally I love scenes where attractive men are flailing around and pretending to be total evil killers! But this whole scene is just a disaster.

Casey runs to her dying boyfriend and he asks if they stopped it. Casey responds (crying) “I think so.” Hahaha. Just say yes! He’s dying! Give him a bone! We cut from Casey holding her dead boyfriend to Casey jogging through the woods again. Oh, eff you, Casey. Suddenly, she realizes something and goes home to get something out of her medicine cabinet. The reason why the dybbuk started stalking her now is because…she’s pregnant! WITH TWINS! Hahahaha. What an amazing twist ending. THE DEMON WAS COMING FROM INSIDE THE WOMB! Now I guess Casey is going to give birth to the dybbuk and the world will be destroyed or something. Terrifying!

So. This movie. Ugh. To be honest, it’s probably the “scariest” out of the last three. There are some good jump scares, and it’s creepy, and the special effects aren’t totally terrible. But everything else- the awful smash cut editing, the poor writing, the silly dramatic moments- have really put this one is a solid last place standing. And the acting! I started talking about how bad Odette Yustman was above, but then I realized I was literally talking about it for every single scene. She was TERRIBLE! And Cam Gigandet was actually LOL worthy in his scenes. Who taught this guy to act? And who is hiring him?! The only good actor was Gary Oldman, but I’m going to do him a favor and pretend he was never in this. Love you, Gary.

I give this movie one unborn fetus out of two.

Happy Halloween from ShriekGeek!

BOO!

Hahaha. Scared you!

Happy Halloween, horror fans! I’m holed up at home watching scary movies (tonight’s picks: Last House on the Left and Nightmare on Elm Street. Wes Craven forever!) I’m not really in a Rob Zombie mood, so no Halloween films tonight.

Stay safe out there!

Iron Man 3 Trailer, for the Non-Horror Fan

Iron Man 3 is technically a action-adventure film, but those movies can be scary too! An evil villian, lots of people getting shot, jumpy scenes…action/adventure is closer to horror than it is to, say, romantic comedy. So here’s the new official trailer for Iron Man, specially presented to one specific blog reader who hates horror films but reads anyway. Here’s your payoff!

Whoo! This looks good! I really, really loved Iron Man 1, thought Iron Man 2 wasn’t great, and enjoyed The Avengers (Iron Man was great, the Hulk was great, and Thor was pretty, but Captain America was a little too jingoistic/stick-in-the-mud for me). I will say that I’ll personally be a little sad if Pepper Potts survives, (even though you know she will) because I am very anti-Gwenyth Paltrow. I’m personally much more concerned about Tony Stark’s house. Don’t hurt the house! It’s so artistic and pretty!

Freaky Friday Movie Reviews: The Haunting of Molly Hartley

Freaky Friday Movie Reviews: In which I watch a terrible horror movie you’ve never heard of before and tell you what I thought about it.

From BloodyDisgusting.com

UUUUUGGGGH. Whew. I always forgot how embarrassingly bad this movie is! You may or may not remember when this movie came out in 2008. It kind of slipped into theaters apologetically and then disappeared, never to be heard from again, after every critic in the world decried it. Really, I don’t know how this thing could have failed! It stars Great American Heroes like Chace Crawford (I swear, he really spells his name with a “C” instead of an “S” like a normal person. Oh Chace), AnnaLynne McCord, Haley Bennett, and Jessica Lowndes… so basically the entire cast of the CW came out for this thing. It has a classic plot: a young woman discovers a bunch of evil dudes are after her for some mysterious reason and the people around her just keep trying to kill her. The joys of being a teenager!

I know at least ONE reason this movie was so hated: the title is all wrong. The Haunting of Molly Hartley has a shocking lack of hauntings! There’s literally not one ghost in this entire movie. There’s a crazy lady who may or may not be in Molly’s head (but we find out she WAS really there all along, so it doesn’t count), some whispering, and mysterious nosebleeds that certainly look inconveniencing, but not a single actual haunting. They really should have just cut their losses and went with The Chace Crawford Scary Movie.  Or My Mother Went Crazy and Other Disasters. Or We Took One Religion Class in College and Felt Qualified to Make This Movie, But We Were Mistaken.

The Nosebleeds of Molly Hartley begins with a young woman named Laurel (Jessica Lowndes) walking through the woods. Eek! Get out of there! We have already established woods are death traps! There are a bunch of, like, clotheslines that have messages like “Follow” and “Keep Going” written on them, which she does, because she is clearly an idiot. After about five minutes of this she reaches a ramshackle old house in the middle of the woods and goes inside. But nobody’s there! It’s a trap! Ruuuuuun! Oh wait, her boyfriend’s there. He was just waiting for literally the most terrifying moment to jump out at her.  They hug and he wishes her happy early birthday. If my boyfriend set up an elaborate and horrifying scavenger hunt in the woods and ended it at an abandoned cottage as a birthday present, I would be heading to my birthday party with bloody knuckles and one less boyfriend.  Laurel is super into it, though, especially when he gives her the world’s ugliest necklace. Seriously, he clearly put no thought into this present.  Things are about to get sexy between them but Laurel’s father shows up out of nowhere and demands they leave together. He must be better at following clues than she is because that took him no time at all! Laurel pouts and whines but you know how it is. Dad’s the boss, and Dad hates your boyfriend.

In the car, Laurel’s dad is in a super bad mood. Laurel shows him that ugly necklace and tells him that as soon as she turns eighteen she’s going to marry the boyfriend. Well, you’re turning eighteen in less than a week, so I hope you’ve already booked a venue and ordered flowers. Think ahead, Laurel! The father touches a bible on his dashboard and starts saying that he hates himself and he has to do this and he’s just so, so sorry. Laurel starts panicking and shouting at him to slow down (they then cut to the speedometer and we see he’s only going sixty. Hahaha. Slow down, you crazy driver!). The father DOESN’T slow down and they get into a massive accident, hitting other cars and bursting through a fence and hitting a barn and then getting HIT BY A TRUCK CARRYING HAY. Hahahahahahhahahahaha. The truck is just driving on a dirt road, as buses are wont to do. The father looks over and sees that Laurel isn’t dead yet, so he murders her with a broken piece of glass while sobbing that he just couldn’t let her turn eighteen. Wow!

We then meet Molly (Haley Bennet), an emotionally troubled seventeen-year-old who is about to start a new school. Molly wakes up from a nightmare and gets a nosebleed. She goes downstairs in her school uniform (Oh Molly, your life really is tough!) and meets her father (Jake Weber). Molly plays with her breakfast and her father wants her to eat, but she’s like “DAD. I DON’T WANT BREAKFAST. LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!” *Door slam.* Poor Molly. It’s tough to be a teen these days. Molly heads to school, apparently without finishing breakfast. Bad choice, Molls. Studies have shown it’s the most important meal of the day! Once she gets there, she’s assigned a mentor in Alexis (Shanna Collins), a clearly unhinged young woman who tells Molly people are jealous of her because she has a close personal relationship with Jesus. Oof. Not to brag or anything, but I went to high school too, and I can promise you that very few teenagers are jealous of people because of religion. “I wish I had Brittany’s body, Lindsay’s boyfriend, and Mary’s relationship with the Lord.” But just keep telling yourself that, Alexis. Alexis is seriously the worst. She’s like Spencer Pratt on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! Remember that show? Spencer decided to become a Christian and became All Things Expert on God, to the point where I’m pretty sure Sanjay Malakar became a Satanist just to spite him. No spoilers, but later in the movie Alexis makes a big deal about having been “chosen” by God because of how special and amazing she is. Gross.

Also at her new school Molly meets mean girl Suzie (AnnaLynne McCord), who has a close personal relationship with her crimper, rebel Leah (Shannon Marie Woodward), who has a close personal relationship with pot, and sexy sexy Joseph (Chace Crawford), who needs to have a closer personal relationship with his acting teacher.  Molly skips her assigned meeting with her counselor, Dr. Emerson, and meets up with Joseph outside. Joseph tries to seduce her, but Molly shuts him down. Good choice. Chace Crawford looks like he’s on permanent downers. I feel like he demands six prostitutes in his trailer before he does a scene and has about ten biological children running around somewhere.

With her long day over, Molly heads home to do her calculus homework, but ends up falling asleep. Oh girl. How many meals did you skip? As she sleeps, we get a flashback to what happened to her that has left her so scarred and in need of a new start. In the dream, Molly walks into the bathroom and finds her mother going crazy rocking bath and forth. She reaches out to Molly and is like, “Molly, pray with me. Praaaay.” Molly goes along with it for some reason and says, “I have…sinned?” super tentatively. Haha. That is not really how prayer works. “Just confess all your wrongdoing to the person next to you. Amen.” The mother tells Molly that it’s okay, because she’s going to take Molly’s sin away, and then stabs Molly in the heart with a pair of scissors. Oof. That is tough stuff.  There is no Chicken Soup for the Soul book for that. This is the second time in the movie a parent has murdered their child because they “had to,” but I would have much more faith in them if they found less horrifying and violent ways to do it. “I had to stab my child in the heart with a rusty old piece of metal, and then continue doing it because she just wouldn’t die, because of LOVE.” Love means never having to say I’m not going to murder you in the most painful way possible.


Anyway, to cut to the chase, it turns out her mother stabbed her with a pair of scissors because she is afraid Molly will become a vessel for evil on her eighteenth birthday and destroy the world. I certainly hope that’s why she did it. I didn’t feel confident that the world is at stake here, but the mother was so sure she stabbed her daughter right in the heart. I hope you are right, Mom. Or I guess I don’t, because Molly survived the attack and now Molly’s mother is in a mental hospital that’s only a few miles away. Molly’s father has been visiting her, which has been causing some (understandable!) tension between father and daughter. Also adding to Molly’s woes: she hears whispery voices and sees some demonized images in the mirror. Uh oh!

The next day at school, Molly’s English teacher hands out Bibles, because who wants to study boring old Shakespeare when you can talk about Cain and Abel? Alexis refuses to take the Bible, because she has her own, and taking another Bible is like cheating on the Lord. Also, studying the Bible in class is sacrilegious, apparently. I thought studying the Bible would give you a greater understanding of Christianity and how the Lord works, but I guess I’m just not as special as Alexis. In all the ruckus, Molly gets another nosebleed, though from the way she reacts you’d think she had just been stabbed by her mother with a pair of scissors of something.

The class all spins around to look at her and Moly RUNS out of the room to the bathroom, where she hears the whispery voices again. Molly, I don’t want to keep harping on the breakfast thing, but did you skip it again today? Look, just eat breakfast tomorrow and maybe Satan will stop stalking you. Alexis finds Molly having a panic attack and calls for help. Molly ends up stuck in the guidance counselor’s office, but Molly has as much interest in psychological help as she does in breakfast.  Dr. Emerson tells Molly that her mother’s diagnosis shows that there is a chronic and heredity nature to the disease that could also claim Molly, so everyone will be “keeping an eye” on Molly to make sure she doesn’t start stabbing people with scissors. What an incredible counselor!

Molly goes to the library to look up mental illnesses and runs into Chace Crawford again. He tells her she doesn’t need to look up illnesses, because he has already diagnosed her with Ebola. Molly is totally won over. I really do not understand flirting these days. They are about to get in Chace Crawford’s car when Molly’s father shows up to yell at her for having a nosebleed and not calling him. Oh, Molly is so embarrassed! She runs away again (Another alternate title for this movie Run, Molly Hartley, Run) and when her father catches up to her they have a long heart-to-heart. Aww. Molly tells her father that she thinks she’s going crazy, because of all the voices and nosebleeds and head pain, and her father clearly does not know how to deal with a hysterical teenage girl.  Should have had a son, Mr. Hartley.

Back home, Molly hears voices in her bathroom and gets another nosebleed and panics and faints. An ambulance takes her to the hospital, where, it turns out, Molly HAS A BRAIN TUMOR.  Molly is incredibly happy to hear she has a tumor, because it means she isn’t going crazy. There’s surgery to remove the tumor, and I’m convinced the surgeon will find something horrible or get murdered by a ghost or SOMETHING, but it’s just a normal scene. WHERE ARE THE FREAKING GHOSTS ALREADY? When Molly gets out of surgery her mother shows up in her hospital room, but it was just a dream. OR WAS IT? Yes. It was. Because crazy people cannot wander in and out of ERs. Oh wait, I’ve been proven wrong, because someone who is definitely there is Alexis. Why? Why are you here, Alexis? Oh, she has a reason. She wants to know if Molly has been baptized and gives Molly a Bible for Teens.  I would like to read that Bible. “And on the seventh day, God took a break, because we all need to rest some times, yo. Clean your room!”  Molly has not been baptized and does not seem to appreciate her Teen Bible, although to be fair, she did just get one already in school. The Many Bibles and No Hauntings of Molly Hartley.

Molly gets out of the hospital and back into school in record time. Brain tumors are not as inconveniencing as I always thought they were! Her first day back, Alexis annoys the whole class by singing loudly during a test. This has no bearing on the plot or anything, but I want you to understand just how annoying Alexis is. And I watched her in this movie for an hour and a half. You should really appreciate the things I do for you.  Molly then gets invited to a party by Joseph. I want to reiterate that we are 45 minutes into this movie and not a single person besides Laurel from the beginning has died yet. Molly lies to her father and goes to the party with Leah, the pot smoker from the beginning. I guess Alexis isn’t invited.  There’s some weird stuff about how Leah was adopted and has anger issues now, but that will literally never come up again, so we’ll just skip to the party. Molly gets a little drunk (don’t drink underage, guys!), and flirts with Chace Crawford some more. Ugh. Those two deserve each other.

Molly’s fun night is interrupted by Suzie, who reveals Molly’s attacked-by-her-mother secret. Molly gets really angry and reacts in a very normal and healthy way: by breaking Suzie’s arm with her bare hands. Wow! That must have been some tumor! Molly runs away again (hope you’re keeping track at home) and when Leah refuses to leave with her Molly tries to call her father at a phone box because there’s no cell service. Classic.  At the phone box, she’s attacked by her mother, but manages to run away, and when she looks back her mother has disappeared. Oh boy. IS MOLLY HARTLEY CRAZY?

The next day at school Molly tries to apologize to Suzie, but Suzie just says “I know what you are” and walks away. Molly yells after her, “What? What am I?” Hahahaha. Somehow Suzie found out about the whole vessel for the devil thing, although if I found out a classmate of mine was going to be possessed by evil in a few days, I probably wouldn’t just say “I know what you are.” That is not going to get you on the demon’s good side! We will never see Suzie again, not even to figure out how she knows about Molly. Bye, Suzie! Bye, AnnaLynne McCord! You really were too big of a star to have had such a small role in such a bad movie. Dr. Emerson tries to comfort Molly by telling her that her mother is a psycho and Molly’s not much better. Where did this lady get her degree?! Guess who else Molly runs into? Alexis, of course. She tries to get Molly to come into some youth group mission control, but Molly refuses and just runs away again. When Molly gets home, she is attacked one more time by her mother. For Pete’s sake, this movie is RIDICULOUS.

Molly’s mother finally lays it all out: Molly was actually born dead, but a servant of the devil came by and offered Mr. and Mrs. Hartley a deal. I guess that deal looked pretty good until Molly turned seventeen and Molly’s mother decided filicide was the better option. Mrs. Hartley tells Molly that Mrs. Hartley can’t accept what they did, but SHE knows the truth and that’s why she keeps trying to kill Molly by stabbing her with household objects (this time it’s a steak knife). Molly runs through the house and eventually manages to flip her mother over the stair railing so her mother lands on her own knife and dies.  Molly’s father walks in literally seconds after this happens and does not seem super concerned about his dead wife and bloody daughter. Molly screams at him that she knows the truth now, and her mother was just trying to help her. Uh, where was that conviction two minutes ago? When you were hell-bent on avoiding getting stabbed by your mother and then threw your mother twenty feet down? You didn’t seem very keen on being sacrificed to avoid the darkness then. Mr. Hartley tries to tell Molly that by believing in the religious crazies she’s starting to act just like her crazy mother, at which point Molly knocks him out with a vase and runs away ONE MORE TIME. She winds up at Alexis’ youth church or whatever and explains that she needs to be saved. Alexis tells Molly they are about to begin a journey, and Molly tells her she doesn’t have TIME for a journey. “I need you to save my soul in like five minutes. I can spare ten, but I WON’T be happy about it.” Alexis takes her to a real church, where there is a huge pool behind the pulpit where I guess people are baptized. I have never seen anything like this pool before. Is that how most churches work? How many babies are accidently killed per year in these things? It’s so huge that there’s like ten steps to get into it, and Alexis and Moly get super wet, but Alexis is LOVING it.

Alexis starts baptizing Molly, but in the middle she leans down and says, “Do you know where my grandmother works?” Uh-oh. This is not proper baptizing procedure. Molly says no and Alexis says that she works at the mental hospital, where she met Molly’s mother. Turns out it’s been Alexis’ grandmother who’s been letting Crazy Mrs. Hartley out all these times. Well, Alexis, I’m sorry, but your grandmother must not be very good at her job if she believes everything her crazy patients tell her. Apparently Alexis, like her grandmother, has no problem believing the word of a mentally insane woman, because she starts trying to drown Molly. IN THE BAPTISMAL POOL. Oh man. That cannot be something God would approve of, Alexis. How about you just TRY to baptize Molly first and see what happens, and then use cold-blooded murder as Plan B? I’m like 99% sure that’s more in line with religious teachings.

Molly, using her new superhuman strength, fights back and manages to kill Alexis. After her second accidental murder of the day she runs away again (last time was NOT the last time after all!) and almost gets hit by Joseph’s car. It’s convenient that there are apparently only like five people in this town. She tells Joseph the whole story, but he tells her that he doesn’t really think she’s a vessel for the devil. Joseph suggests they run out of town together and start anew in another place, where Molly won’t be indicted for a double homicide (he doesn’t say that, but I am thinking it). Joseph goes into his house to get the money they need and Molly tries to call Dr. Emerson, because she really needs the sage advice Dr. Emerson loves to dispense. “Molly, you are going crazy and you need to go to jail forever. Have a tissue.” Then Molly hears a noise from the house and gets worried about Joseph (almost at the end, guys, hang in there) and goes inside to find him. You can probably guess what happens next. Joseph has a teeny tiny little cake and a HUGE butcher knife to celebrate Molly’s birthday, because he’s totally a bad guy. Molly tries to run away, but she’s thwarted by Dr. Emerson, who is also a bad guy.

Dr. Evil explains that she and the other demons have been watching Molly for the past year. I guess that’s what those voices were, but I would have thought thousand-year-old demons would have been able to stay a little quieter. Some demons drag in Mr. Hartley, and he recognizes Dr. Emerson as the person who made them the deal eighteen years ago. Molly and Dr. Emerson have an argument about free will and if Molly is really bound to a deal with the devil.  Dr. Emerson offers Molly an out: if she kills her father, she won’t have to become Lady Satan. Do it, Molly. This will be the second parent you’ve killed today, after all. NBD. As the clock strikes midnight, Molly takes the knife and raises it to kill her father…and then just stabs herself in the heart instead. Her father is horrified, but Molly doesn’t even bleed. Because it’s TOO LATE! She already belongs to “them.” This is totally your fault, Mr. Hartley.

We skip to a few months later. Mr. Hartley has been confined to a mental hospital. He doesn’t look great. I guess he’s really been reflecting on what a bad job he did as a parent. Molly is there, but now she’s a total b-word and tells the doctor Mr. Hartley isn’t her father anymore. Ok Molly, I know you’re evil incarnate now, but maybe keep it a little closer to the vest and at least PRETEND to care about your father.

Molly graduates as valedictorian from her high school. We see a Missing Persons poster of Alexis, but nobody seems to miss her (understandably). So, for the record, apparent perks of turning evil include: Chace Crawford is your boyfriend, your murders go unpunished, and you get to be valedictorian. Noted. Molly finishes her speech by saying each graduate has a “special destiny” and they will be the ones to change the world. “You can count on it.” Her speech earns her a standing ovation, which seems unearned. It seemed very derivative to me, but maybe another perk is everyone thinking your bad speeches are amazing. As Molly and Joseph walk away, Dr. Emerson tells Molly she will see her soon. I like to imagine there’s a waiting period before Molly’s evil internship or whatever starts. “See you in Hell 8 a.m. Tuesday. Don’t be late!”

Last picture, apropos of nothing:

Wait, fixed it:

Seriously, though. This movie. It has nothing interesting to say about religion, free will, high school, Chace Crawford, ghosts, or brain tumors. Unlike last time’s selection, which we could at least laugh at, this thing was SO BORING. And the whole ending was literally the definition of unearned. Who is Joseph? How long has he worked for demons? Is Molly immortal now? What even happened to Leah? Also, if the girl at the beginning was in the same boat as Molly, wouldn’t the demons start wising up to the possibility of filicide? A few characters say that this has happened before but all the other children were murdered by Mom and Dad, so you think they’d come up with a better system.

So yeah, this one does not come recommended. I don’t care how much you like Chace Crawford (Why do you like Chace Crawford? Like better people!). I did like when Molly shouted “I DON’T LIKE TO BE THREATENED!” at the party before breaking Suzie’s arm, because that is sheer wonderful comedy. But the rest…just oof. Everyone is unlikeable. Everything is boring. There’s not much else to say!

I give this movie one nosebleed out of five.